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Recapturing the magic in your marriage is easy to do and it is also easy to not do. The process starts with looking at where your relationship is now, where you want it to be, and remembering what it was like with your spouse when you were dating or when you first got married.

Most couples I talk to recall their wedding day as being an amazing experience where they were so in love, it was magical, and there was very little stress because the wedding coordinator followed the plan that the couple laid out and so all they had to do was listen and do what was planned. I have heard and experienced some weddings that ended up in a disaster but that story we will save for another time.

My wedding day was magical, all my family and friends were there to celebrate with me and my heart was so full of love, I knew that day that I was going to grow old with Valerie and that God had big plans for us. The first week back home after the honeymoon something strange happened that I wasn’t expecting, I got off work early that day and I thought I would spend some time unpacking boxes until Valerie got off work to start dinner.

When Valerie arrived home she asked me “why didn’t you start making dinner?” I responded with I am the husband that’s the wife’s job. She responded with how do you figure that? I went on to tell her that only my Mom did the cooking in our home and she replied “I am not your mother”. It was then I realized that was living out the example set for me by my Mom and now it all made sense why so many couples struggle to communicate because they have a set pattern of what marriage is supposed to be like that was modeled for them by their parents and their parents. Unless we recognize the negative patterns we watched our parents live by for 18 years we will most likely unconsciously follow them and even defend them.

Think back for a moment when you were a child, teenager, and young adult, what was your experience?  How did your parents interact with each other? This process allowed me to recognize very interesting habits I adopted from my Mom.

  1. I realized she never wanted to make a fuss about anything, even if something upset her she would keep quiet to keep the peace.
  2. She did not share personal things. I remember asking her one day who she voted for in the recent election and she told me that it was none of my business.
  3. Years later I discovered she spoke to my sister about anything but in my conversations with her, it was like pulling teeth to find out how she was really doing.

The next time you find yourself in a disagreement with your husband or wife try to focus on staying in harmony, it can be hard but it is possible, don’t let it become bigger that your love for each other.

Do this exercise with me, close your eyes and think back to your wedding day, visualize it just as you remember it, allow yourself to feel how you felt that day, Remember how beautiful your bride was and still is. Think about the vows you said that day. When I recall the vows I said at the altar that day I remember crying because it was one of the most powerful commitments I have ever made in my entire life. To love, honor, and cherish my wife Valerie to be until death due us part.

The love I committed to 32 years ago is still alive and well today but it wasn’t without its ups and downs. In June of 2013, Valerie was hospitalized for three weeks and within three days of being in the hospital, the doctor informed us that her organs were beginning to shut down unless she has a blood transfusion. After two blood transfusions, Valerie’s condition was stable but I was a mess, emotionally, physically, and mentally due to lack of sleep and the grief of seeing my beautiful bride lying in that hospital bed it made me feel so helpless. It made me realize that I had wasted so much time making other things a priority over my relationship with my wife.

That is when I started to look for ways to learn how to help myself and Valerie recover emotionally and physically, and financially from our failed business venture. We both attended a personal development weekend workshop that gave us tools to regain our personal power and skills to communicate more effectively. Through the workshops, we learned five skills that made all the difference in our relationship, we are still in love after 32 years and still go on dates and outings.

Photo by Heitor-Verdi

Five Skills to Recapture the Magic in Your Marriage

  1. We learned to focus on what we want. We watch our wedding video at least once a year to remind us of why we fell in love and to never let that love die.
  2. We learned how to forgive the past and create a bright future for what we want our marriage to be like.
  3. We created new rules to communicate by so that we can talk about stressful issues with respect, love, and compassion.
  4. We have regular date nights and day dates, do the things we did when we were dating and when we first got married. Fun things like going to Disneyland and the beach and sightseeing.
  5. We learned to not let little disagreements disrupt the harmony in our relationship. If there is a disagreement we resolve it quickly by asking for forgiveness for our part in the disagreement immediately kiss and make.

By practicing these five skills you too can recapture the magic in your marriage relationship. It just takes practice for them to become a habit.

I would love to hear what your relationship is like what skills you practice to keep the magic alive in your marriage.


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